She learned her from her dad to strike. Her aim exact, words bloody my soul. I gave away power in return for love, a sacrifice to pain. I allow her; understanding her deep-seated need to hurt to feel whole. Mature and wise in love.
I am driving up a curvy mountain road in the snow. Lost in the dark, searching for the route that will take me home. I wonder if I’m dreaming I don’t remember anything before this. I want to pull over to the shoulder, but there is no guardrail only orange safety rope with big sections missing. Beyond there is only darkness, and I imagine a steep drop off. If only I could remember my name, I’m confident I’d know if this were reality or a vivid dream.
I have to drive faster the snow is starting to pile up and drift onto the blacktop. Looking into the rearview mirror, I gasp and quickly direct my attention back to driving. A little girl sitting in the backseat arms outstretched she’d been reaching out to me. Pale white face and hazel eyes. Her mouth opens wide in a silent scream. In my head, her wail, “Why did you kill my family?”
While you try to push me away, I’m pulling you into my heart
Pummeling me with your fists, I stand still with my arms wide open
Thoughtless, cruel words slice into my heart. Still, I smile eyes filled with love
Then fall exhausted into my arms the demons of your past having possessed you
I once again get a glimpse of your vulnerable heart, delicate and tender spirit
Intense heat between our bodies, the moisture in our kisses, love surrounding us
In the womb, the fetus sleeps her head underneath her mother’s heart. When awake she responds to the rhythmic beat and somersaults in the warm amniotic fluid. The baby kicks with joy when she feels the melodic vibrations of her mother’s beautiful laughter.
Maybe it is too late for an explanation, but you once said, “it is never too late.” Now that you are not with me I miss you a lot! I told Tami it could not work we (you and me) are too different but I was wrong. We are a lot alike. I am so very selfish I always lost when I wasn’t but this time I still lost. I never had anyone in my life care for me as much. I did not know how to handle it. I guess what I am trying to say is that I apologize for trying to push you out of my life.
I think I resented you because deep inside I was afraid everything you said was true. What I wanted so bad could never be mine. It hurt to hear it. Now what I am trying to say is “Will you please give me a chance to build a real friendship between us. I fear the first time I never gave you a fair try. I also wanted you out because I was hurting and breaking and I was too ashamed to let you see that part of me. And that part of me was Angelina, but Raquelita I knew you never loved Angelina and that is who I was when I lashed out, and she is the one writing to you. Now I could only say “I was blind.”
W/b if you are willing??
p.s I never intended to hurt you, I honestly felt you wouldn’t really care. I was wrong.
Angelina Nina Orozco 3/16/90
It is the passion and warmth in Angelina’s embrace that makes me stay when logic tells me to leave. Angelina, Nina, claims my breath and heartbeat belong to her that I belong to her. I want to believe to have faith in her love for me. It’s hard to focus when I am dizzy from her scent and intoxicated from her taste.
She likes us to lay close, naked; bellies pressed together so that I can feel her expanding womb. I feel the soul growing inside her and sometimes my heart aches with sadness. She wraps her arms around me and pulls me into her. Whispering that it would have been mine had I not been born in the wrong shaped body. Convincing me that the love I give her is imprinting itself upon the 16-week fetus. She urges me to believe that our shared orgasms can overwrite DNA with the constant release of hormones. So I allow myself to accept it as truth.
I punch the concrete block fence long after my knuckles are raw and bloody. I drown with self-doubt and uncertainty whenever Angelina goes to see him. She says she does it to please her mother so that she doesn’t get suspicious of our relationship. I want her to tell her mother about us. I don’t want to be a secret. I may only be 15 but unlike Nina I can’t just live in the moment, I need to make a plan if she expects me to care for her and the baby. I walk back home.
I stand before the throne of judgment and the book of life
Determination etched deeply upon my face eyes staring straight ahead
I offer no excuse I do not beg for mercy
Skin and flesh bubbling, melting off my bones
I concentrate on how I lived my life, those I loved
My ruined body twisting bending back in agonizing pain
Eternal payment for my sin, loving woman instead of man
Inflicted upon me by a merciful and caring god