I am lost inside myself walking on forgotten paths. I loop around then I’m back where I started. I am searching for something precious. I can’t remember what it is, but I can feel the emptiness in my chest. It hurts so much when I breathe I wish the pain would stop.
I stumble into awareness feeling so fucking lost and alone. Standing in the middle of a crowded street filled with strangers pushing, bumping and shoving into me. Struggling to fill my lungs and feed oxygen to my brain I panic. I try to rush through the mass of hot sweating faceless bodies without falling. Tripping, arms flailing, knocked down I am crushed.
Opening my eyes as my coffin lid closes I am trapped inside. My lips are sewn shut my nose plugged with cotton, empty I lay in the darkness. Somehow not needing to breathe I’m still alive. I am exhausted but don’t remember the reason for it. Slowly filled with a sense of contentment, I relax into the satin pillows and allow myself to float away.
I am standing behind her my arms around her waist. Pulling her petite body into me, kissing her shoulder then her neck, breathing in the heady fragrance from her hair. She pushes back into me rubbing her body against mine. Looking over her shoulder, she says, “That wasn’t meant for you.” I nod my head and sigh, but I don’t let go instead I nip gently at her ear.
She learned her from her dad to strike. Her aim exact, words bloody my soul. I gave away power in return for love, a sacrifice to pain. I allow her; understanding her deep-seated need to hurt to feel whole. Mature and wise in love.
I am driving up a curvy mountain road in the snow. Lost in the dark, searching for the route that will take me home. I wonder if I’m dreaming I don’t remember anything before this. I want to pull over to the shoulder, but there is no guardrail only orange safety rope with big sections missing. Beyond there is only darkness, and I imagine a steep drop off. If only I could remember my name, I’m confident I’d know if this were reality or a vivid dream.
I have to drive faster the snow is starting to pile up and drift onto the blacktop. Looking into the rearview mirror, I gasp and quickly direct my attention back to driving. A little girl sitting in the backseat arms outstretched she’d been reaching out to me. Pale white face and hazel eyes. Her mouth opens wide in a silent scream. In my head, her wail, “Why did you kill my family?”
While you try to push me away, I’m pulling you into my heart
Pummeling me with your fists, I stand still with my arms wide open
Thoughtless, cruel words slice into my heart. Still, I smile eyes filled with love
Then fall exhausted into my arms the demons of your past having possessed you
I once again get a glimpse of your vulnerable heart, delicate and tender spirit
Intense heat between our bodies, the moisture in our kisses, love surrounding us
In the womb, the fetus sleeps her head underneath her mother’s heart. When awake she responds to the rhythmic beat and somersaults in the warm amniotic fluid. The baby kicks with joy when she feels the melodic vibrations of her mother’s beautiful laughter.
Maybe it is too late for an explanation, but you once said, “it is never too late.” Now that you are not with me I miss you a lot! I told Tami it could not work we (you and me) are too different but I was wrong. We are a lot alike. I am so very selfish I always lost when I wasn’t but this time I still lost. I never had anyone in my life care for me as much. I did not know how to handle it. I guess what I am trying to say is that I apologize for trying to push you out of my life.
I think I resented you because deep inside I was afraid everything you said was true. What I wanted so bad could never be mine. It hurt to hear it. Now what I am trying to say is “Will you please give me a chance to build a real friendship between us. I fear the first time I never gave you a fair try. I also wanted you out because I was hurting and breaking and I was too ashamed to let you see that part of me. And that part of me was Angelina, but Raquelita I knew you never loved Angelina and that is who I was when I lashed out, and she is the one writing to you. Now I could only say “I was blind.”
W/b if you are willing??
p.s I never intended to hurt you, I honestly felt you wouldn’t really care. I was wrong.
Angelina Nina Orozco 3/16/90
It is the passion and warmth in Angelina’s embrace that makes me stay when logic tells me to leave. Angelina, Nina, claims my breath and heartbeat belong to her that I belong to her. I want to believe to have faith in her love for me. It’s hard to focus when I am dizzy from her scent and intoxicated from her taste.
She likes us to lay close, naked; bellies pressed together so that I can feel her expanding womb. I feel the soul growing inside her and sometimes my heart aches with sadness. She wraps her arms around me and pulls me into her. Whispering that it would have been mine had I not been born in the wrong shaped body. Convincing me that the love I give her is imprinting itself upon the 16-week fetus. She urges me to believe that our shared orgasms can overwrite DNA with the constant release of hormones. So I allow myself to accept it as truth.
I punch the concrete block fence long after my knuckles are raw and bloody. I drown with self-doubt and uncertainty whenever Angelina goes to see him. She says she does it to please her mother so that she doesn’t get suspicious of our relationship. I want her to tell her mother about us. I don’t want to be a secret. I may only be 15 but unlike Nina I can’t just live in the moment, I need to make a plan if she expects me to care for her and the baby. I walk back home.
I stand before the throne of judgment and the book of life
Determination etched deeply upon my face eyes staring straight ahead
I offer no excuse I do not beg for mercy
Skin and flesh bubbling, melting off my bones
I concentrate on how I lived my life, those I loved
My ruined body twisting bending back in agonizing pain
Eternal payment for my sin, loving woman instead of man
Inflicted upon me by a merciful and caring god
I love you too, but love doesn’t “conquer all.” You are not just a phase or someone to kill time with, if you were I would be long gone by now because this relationship is not easy. I want you to be a part of my life; I want to build a future with you. I know that I am being unfair to you because you have made it clear to me what you want from the beginning. I thought I might be capable of giving you what you want, but after trying to, I can’t. I will not raise my child with you as her parent. Ernie is her father and I’m her mother. I can’t convince myself that a baby with two mothers would thrive in this society. I don’t want to be cold to you I do not want to turn you away from my bed and my arms, but I don’t know how else to handle this. I am not trying to punish you. I respect that you know what you want and that you ask for it. In return, you need to understand what I want and how I feel and try to respect it. I want nothing more than to open myself fully to you but it just hurts too much right now.
Hello adult me decades from today,
Have I have accomplished much or am I still nothing? Did life get easier? If I decided to continue to live was it because I found peace or was I just too much of a coward to end it?
Will the demons ever go away? Did you silence the voices in my head? I don’t want to hear their horrible stories about the future. I don’t want to see their shadows in the mirror hovering behind me.
Can I be gay and live without guilt? I hate how it makes Angelina need to hurt me when being with me is too much for her. When having to lie to her family about us gets to be too painful. Will I just get used to it and understand that I have to take the good with the bad? I wonder though what it would be like to get in bed with someone who could love me without guilt. I want to be able to express my love without fear, to be honest, and without shame. Writing that made my heart ache I want it so much but I’m afraid God will never let it happen.
I want a nice car, a house, lots of clothes and a job I like.