A graveyard filled with the corpses from my past. I’ve spent decades trying to ignore the endless crying from inside the coffins. Damaged and wounded versions of myself begging to be released and acknowledged.
This podcast discusses issues pertaining to how to rescue your family from the Jehovah’s Witnesses. When most people wake up and realize the real truth about the religion, they want to tell everyone. Because Jehovah’s Witnesses have been trained to shut down when others speak negatively about the Watchtower, Bible, & Tract Society aka JW.ORG, […]
I want to shoot myself in the head. I am happy.
Those two thoughts constantly battle in my head. They exist simultaneously, and I feel them strongly. I wish I could kill the part of me that desires the silence and peace.
I am a coward. I was alone in my car going 90 if I could have just turned the steering wheel a few degrees to the right for a few yards I would have hit a concrete column.
There are invisible hands on top of mine guiding me, forcing me, holding me back.
I look back at 2017 and I get the sense that there were many years compressed into one. I realized it is because I was trying to be more mindful and quiet and I was not on autopilot. I didn’t try to distract myself from what I was thinking and feeling as often. I acknowledged my emotions better than I ever have. I even accepted the uncomfortable, painful and embarrassing ones. So much life that I would have hidden from or ignored, I enjoyed. I apologized when I was wrong and forgave when I felt wronged.
2018 will be filled with more joy because of what I’ve learned in 2017. Learning to practice meditation has been key in pursuit of peace. I define who my family is, loving someone doesn’t mean I can’t let go, love isn’t a reason to allow my heart to be hurt or used. I can love deeper and stronger if I take care of myself first and it isn’t being selfish.
I will continue to work on my mental health and feel less ashamed of my illness. I am going to continue to develop positive, healthy relationships. Keep investing love, time and energy into my wife and our family. And work harder than ever to put it within my power to protect my family from financial worry.
This brain is a mess of crossed synapses and misfiring electrical impulses. The only time I feel some respite from the shame over its illness is in a deep dreamless state. Most mornings, at not having died in my sleep, I sigh with disappointment. Sorrow creeps deep into my bones, the heaviness of it pinning me to the bed. I close my eyes again desperately seeking, always seeking sleep.
I gave every last bit of myself.
You found being my father an inconvenience. I heard you say that if you’d known about condoms, I wouldn’t have been born.
Neglect and apathy may have contributed to the circumstances in which I was assaulted, molested and abused by my parent’s acquaintances, relatives, and friends. There were times that I was denied food, clothes, and education as punishment for breaking arbitrary rules.
I sacrificed myself believing it was the only way to win approval and to be loved. Still, I lost.
In losing I discovered I won. I won freedom from judgements and unattainable expectations. Freedom has granted me the space to fall in love with myself.
The ideal family is an impossible fantasy made up of roles we’ve been delegated to play. A standard imposed upon us by a society bent on conformity.
You want to shove me into your little boxes with your cute little labels. Cut off the inconvenient parts of me, the ones that don’t fit your mold of what a perfect woman, daughter, wife should be. You want me to shut up about my feelings and quit having ‘those’ thoughts. You want a life uncomplicated by the dark blues and greys that pattern my soul and bleed onto yours.
I came to a crossroad. I’ve decided to stop trying to follow along a path that is not mine to walk. I’ve set the sadness down; it isn’t mine to carry. Fear and shame do not belong to me either; I release them.