I am lost inside myself walking on forgotten paths. I loop around then I’m back where I started. I am searching for something precious. I can’t remember what it is, but I can feel the emptiness in my chest. It hurts so much when I breathe I wish the pain would stop.
I stumble into awareness feeling so fucking lost and alone. Standing in the middle of a crowded street filled with strangers pushing, bumping and shoving into me. Struggling to fill my lungs and feed oxygen to my brain I panic. I try to rush through the mass of hot sweating faceless bodies without falling. Tripping, arms flailing, knocked down I am crushed.
Opening my eyes as my coffin lid closes I am trapped inside. My lips are sewn shut my nose plugged with cotton, empty I lay in the darkness. Somehow not needing to breathe I’m still alive. I am exhausted but don’t remember the reason for it. Slowly filled with a sense of contentment, I relax into the satin pillows and allow myself to float away.
I am standing behind her my arms around her waist. Pulling her petite body into me, kissing her shoulder then her neck, breathing in the heady fragrance from her hair. She pushes back into me rubbing her body against mine. Looking over her shoulder, she says, “That wasn’t meant for you.” I nod my head and sigh, but I don’t let go instead I nip gently at her ear.
She learned her from her dad to strike. Her aim exact, words bloody my soul. I gave away power in return for love, a sacrifice to pain. I allow her; understanding her deep-seated need to hurt to feel whole. Mature and wise in love.
While you try to push me away, I’m pulling you into my heart
Pummeling me with your fists, I stand still with my arms wide open
Thoughtless, cruel words slice into my heart. Still, I smile eyes filled with love
Then fall exhausted into my arms the demons of your past having possessed you
I once again get a glimpse of your vulnerable heart, delicate and tender spirit
Intense heat between our bodies, the moisture in our kisses, love surrounding us
In the womb, the fetus sleeps her head underneath her mother’s heart. When awake she responds to the rhythmic beat and somersaults in the warm amniotic fluid. The baby kicks with joy when she feels the melodic vibrations of her mother’s beautiful laughter.
I love you too, but love doesn’t “conquer all.” You are not just a phase or someone to kill time with, if you were I would be long gone by now because this relationship is not easy. I want you to be a part of my life; I want to build a future with you. I know that I am being unfair to you because you have made it clear to me what you want from the beginning. I thought I might be capable of giving you what you want, but after trying to, I can’t. I will not raise my child with you as her parent. Ernie is her father and I’m her mother. I can’t convince myself that a baby with two mothers would thrive in this society. I don’t want to be cold to you I do not want to turn you away from my bed and my arms, but I don’t know how else to handle this. I am not trying to punish you. I respect that you know what you want and that you ask for it. In return, you need to understand what I want and how I feel and try to respect it. I want nothing more than to open myself fully to you but it just hurts too much right now.
Hello adult me decades from today,
Have I have accomplished much or am I still nothing? Did life get easier? If I decided to continue to live was it because I found peace or was I just too much of a coward to end it?
Will the demons ever go away? Did you silence the voices in my head? I don’t want to hear their horrible stories about the future. I don’t want to see their shadows in the mirror hovering behind me.
Can I be gay and live without guilt? I hate how it makes Angelina need to hurt me when being with me is too much for her. When having to lie to her family about us gets to be too painful. Will I just get used to it and understand that I have to take the good with the bad? I wonder though what it would be like to get in bed with someone who could love me without guilt. I want to be able to express my love without fear, to be honest, and without shame. Writing that made my heart ache I want it so much but I’m afraid God will never let it happen.
I want a nice car, a house, lots of clothes and a job I like.