Walk On

I love you too, but love doesn’t “conquer all.” You are not just a phase or someone to kill time with, if you were I would be long gone by now because this relationship is not easy. I want you to be a part of my life; I want to build a future with you. I know that I am being unfair to you because you have made it clear to me what you want from the beginning. I thought I might be capable of giving you what you want, but after trying to, I can’t. I will not raise my child with you as her parent. Ernie is her father and I’m her mother. I can’t convince myself that a baby with two mothers would thrive in this society. I don’t want to be cold to you I do not want to turn you away from my bed and my arms, but I don’t know how else to handle this. I am not trying to punish you. I respect that you know what you want and that you ask for it. In return, you need to understand what I want and how I feel and try to respect it. I want nothing more than to open myself fully to you but it just hurts too much right now.

x → ∞

Hello adult me decades from today,

Have I have accomplished much or am I still nothing? Did life get easier?  If I decided to continue to live was it because I found peace or was I just too much of a coward to end it?

Will the demons ever go away? Did you silence the voices in my head? I don’t want to hear their horrible stories about the future. I don’t want to see their shadows in the mirror hovering behind me.

Can I be gay and live without guilt? I hate how it makes Angelina need to hurt me when being with me is too much for her. When having to lie to her family about us gets to be too painful. Will I just get used to it and understand that I have to take the good with the bad? I wonder though what it would be like to get in bed with someone who could love me without guilt. I want to be able to express my love without fear, to be honest, and without shame. Writing that made my heart ache I want it so much but I’m afraid God will never let it happen.

I want a nice car, a house, lots of clothes and a job I like.