My goal for today is to eat, drink (lots), and think about all the blessings of 2020.
I know things last year were so strange and difficult. There was loss and heart break over people who left us too soon, people facing financial difficulties because of the pandemic, and a lot of people acting like Black lives didn’t matter. But not everything was awful either. It’s those things that I want to remember and focus on. The new allies against racism and social injustice I made, personal growth and the deepening of already existing bonds of love and friendship. There were some beautiful moments in amongst the messy muddy angst of 2020, for myself anyway.
I’m not making any new year’s resolutions. Or did I because I resolved not to resolve?🤔 🤷♀️
I find myself standing in a dimly lit room.
Broken record spinning on a victrola in a cluttered room. “Fucking ha..” “.. dicho pasado…”
“Shoot your self in…” the needle jumps
“neva gonna …” it skips bouncing back and forth. I understood few random words but they were angry.
Gingerly I place my hand on the disk and stop it from spinning. I look around me. Stacks of disks and I know they all contain dark memories, the bad ones. Rejection, jealousy and shame they were all here. It felt familiar. Every time I’ve felt my body get hot and prickly, stomach in knots pretending and smiling through hurt. Those memories were all there.
The scene then shifts.
I’m standing in front of a door, my hand on the knob. But I don’t feel like going in. And the thought of not entering felt fascinating.
One one-thousandth of a second.
Something in the atmosphere triggers my rage long before my brain can process the cause. Betrayal! I begin to radiate heat along sharply angled paths from the center of my chest. All my muscles tense up, and my head starts to throb.
Two one-thousandths of a second.
A quick breath followed by another helps me push down the anger. In and out slowly. The unfamiliar scent upon you identified as the trigger—the breath allowing the mind to catch up and process intelligently what the lizard brain can’t. Flowers held behind your back now thrust to me, surprising me.
I dreamt that I was a young child maybe four or five. I was scared and confused because my room was being emptied item by item by an invisible force. I tried to save my precious things but they disappeared too no matter how hard I struggled to hold on. I was alone in the house I didn’t have anyone who could save me. I knew that once the last thing disappeared I would be next and the thought filled me with terror and, relief?
For years you’ve searched and longed to find your bliss. Yet when the moment presented itself you let fear steal your joy. I stood mutely while you destroyed your opportunity. I had to let you live, die and relinquish my expectations that someday you’d know happiness.
My heart splintered.
I found you; Or did you find me?
Supportive, empathetic connection; safe space; thoughts, feelings, all embraced.
How did it happen?
The moment of great pain was also the occasion of my salvation.
A bull, I stamp and snort
Her shape, those curves
Horns thrust hotly upward
My heart is fully engorged
Cara en el espejo,
Abre su corazón, permíteme entrarte.Te quiero llenar con mi amor y sentir el amor suyo.
Invítame descansar junto dé ti, dame permiso tocar su alma. Dígame todo sus sentimientos y confíe en mí siempre.
I try to trace back to the beginning the desire to destroy myself. The knowledge that I don’t deserve this good and satisfying life. Unintentionally I’m fooling the people who know and love me. I’m not who they think I am.
I wonder how long I can distract myself with the beginning before I commit to the end.
I lived in a binary world for so long
It fucked with my head
Black or white
Good or evil
It fucked with my heart
If it isn’t loved it is hated
No longer my cross to bear
It will not fuck with my soul