Me llegó el momento

That I’m able to quiet my thoughts through meditation, even when it’s only a few minutes at a time, has deeply affected my life and sanity. I don’t constantly feel a vague sense of hopeless unease. I’m able go longer between attacks by the mean voice in my head that tries to convince me that I’m worthless, stupid, unloved and unworthy of anyone’s friendship. I can sleep most nights without nightmares. I don’t stay up ruminating and regretting. I recognize that I’m enough.

Monster In My Head

Cold fingers caress the back of my neck, and I hear a young woman whisper in my ear, “She hates you.”

Is it true? I wrong, I was I bad? I have this vague sense of unease and jolts of panic contract my heart. As the anxiety gets worse my body temperature increases and I start to sweat. Oddly my legs get cold and numb like the blood is no longer circulating in them. It becomes harder to hear the words spoken around me until it all sounds like a million crickets chirping inside my head. I’m in a social situation unable to get up and leave. My spirit begins to disconnect from my body and float a few feet away. For a while at least no one can hurt me.

I know I’ll have to come back into my body. I’ve earned the punishment, and I should hurt. I deserve to feel the ache in my chest and the stinging verbal slaps across my face. “You will be sorry you will pay.” My father’s mantra rooted deeply into my head more meaningful than ever. 

Gemini

Raquelita,

Maybe it is too late for an explanation, but you once said, “it is never too late.” Now that you are not with me I miss you a lot! I told Tami it could not work we (you and me) are too different but I was wrong. We are a lot alike. I am so very selfish I always lost when I wasn’t but this time I still lost. I never had anyone in my life care for me as much. I did not know how to handle it. I guess what I am trying to say is that I apologize for trying to push you out of my life.

I think I resented you because deep inside I was afraid everything you said was true. What I wanted so bad could never be mine. It hurt to hear it. Now what I am trying to say is “Will you please give me a chance to build a real friendship between us. I fear the first time I never gave you a fair try. I also wanted you out because I was hurting and breaking and I was too ashamed to let you see that part of me. And that part of me was Angelina, but Raquelita I knew you never loved Angelina and that is who I was when I lashed out, and she is the one writing to you. Now I could only say “I was blind.”

W/b if you are willing??

p.s I never intended to hurt you, I honestly felt you wouldn’t really care. I was wrong.

Siempre,

Angelina Nina Orozco 3/16/90

Flashes From Before

It is the passion and warmth in Angelina’s embrace that makes me stay when logic tells me to leave. Angelina, Nina, claims my breath and heartbeat belong to her that I belong to her. I want to believe to have faith in her love for me. It’s hard to focus when I am dizzy from her scent and intoxicated from her taste.

She likes us to lay close, naked; bellies pressed together so that I can feel her expanding womb. I feel the soul growing inside her and sometimes my heart aches with sadness. She wraps her arms around me and pulls me into her. Whispering that it would have been mine had I not been born in the wrong shaped body. Convincing me that the love I give her is imprinting itself upon the 16-week fetus. She urges me to believe that our shared orgasms can overwrite DNA with the constant release of hormones. So I allow myself to accept it as truth.

I punch the concrete block fence long after my knuckles are raw and bloody. I drown with self-doubt and uncertainty whenever Angelina goes to see him. She says she does it to please her mother so that she doesn’t get suspicious of our relationship. I want her to tell her mother about us. I don’t want to be a secret. I may only be 15 but unlike Nina I can’t just live in the moment, I need to make a plan if she expects me to care for her and the baby. I walk back home.

god is good. amen

I stand before the throne of judgment and the book of life

Determination etched deeply upon my face eyes staring straight ahead

I offer no excuse I do not beg for mercy

Skin and flesh bubbling, melting off my bones

I concentrate on how I lived my life, those I loved

My ruined body twisting bending back in agonizing pain

Eternal payment for my sin, loving woman instead of man

Inflicted upon me by a merciful and caring god

Mindfulness

“Angelina, do you think he’d ever make you choose?” I ask my lover as we cuddle naked in her bed under a colorful quilt her great-grandmother made before she was born. I love the sense of history as much as I do its warmth.

I feel her body pull away from me a little as she turns her head away and sighs. “I think he is afraid.” Turning back to me she kisses me softly at first then hard stealing my breath preventing me from breathing she inhales all the breath in my lungs into hers.

“What is that about?” I gasp trying to catch my breath, coughing. “are you a succubus all of a sudden?”

“Raquelita, I’ve put off telling you, please don’t be upset, I’m pregnant.” She quickly rolls on top of me pinning me down I imagine I can feel a small hard roundness pushing into me our bellies pressed together.

“What will you say when he asks you to choose?” I whisper. My heart is beating wildly.

“Ahh, mi amor, what answer do you think? What could I say? Please don’t ask me this. I don’t want to hurt you let me love you instead.” she says regretfully as she bites and sucks my neck.

“Yes, no. Please.” I moan, heartsick and afraid how can my body betray me and become aroused?

“Just enjoy what you have when you have it, for however long it is.” She whispers as if reading my mind.