I try to trace back to the beginning the desire to destroy myself. The knowledge that I don’t deserve this good and satisfying life. Unintentionally I’m fooling the people who know and love me. I’m not who they think I am.
I wonder how long I can distract myself with the beginning before I commit to the end.
I lived in a binary world for so long
It fucked with my head
Black or white
Good or evil
It fucked with my heart
If it isn’t loved it is hated
No longer my cross to bear
It will not fuck with my soul
Sitting with my heart.
Life bangs me up sometimes. I get rocked about. Battered, bruised my vulnerable heart sometimes cries. Miraculously it survives.
Sadness softens when I sit with it now and then. The intensity of the pain goes down a tiny notch.
Rest deepens with reflection on all the love I received, smiles and hugs.
Death has no mastery.
Sitting beside the river, in silence from thoughts. Energy from running water and blowing wind enters my body from my toe tips and flows out the top of my head. Loving energy swirls in my being fortifying and sanctifying it. I’m filled with undeniable truth, I’m not alone, I never was.
That I’m able to quiet my thoughts through meditation, even when it’s only a few minutes at a time, has deeply affected my life and sanity. I don’t constantly feel a vague sense of hopeless unease. I’m able go longer between attacks by the mean voice in my head that tries to convince me that I’m worthless, stupid, unloved and unworthy of anyone’s friendship. I can sleep most nights without nightmares. I don’t stay up ruminating and regretting. I recognize that I’m enough.
When someone who is vehemently against labeling people put a label on me it stopped me cold.
I’ve only ever wanted to be myself. Now I’m trapped in a box with a definition of who I’m supposed to be.
A graveyard filled with the corpses from my past. I’ve spent decades trying to ignore the endless crying from inside the coffins. Damaged and wounded versions of myself begging to be released and acknowledged.
This podcast discusses issues pertaining to how to rescue your family from the Jehovah’s Witnesses. When most people wake up and realize the real truth about the religion, they want to tell everyone. Because Jehovah’s Witnesses have been trained to shut down when others speak negatively about the Watchtower, Bible, & Tract Society aka JW.ORG, […]
via How to Rescue Your Family from the Jehovah’s Witnesses? — Ex-Jehovah’s Witnesses-Critical Thinkers
I want to shoot myself in the head. I am happy.
Those two thoughts constantly battle in my head. They exist simultaneously, and I feel them strongly. I wish I could kill the part of me that desires the silence and peace.
I am a coward. I was alone in my car going 90 if I could have just turned the steering wheel a few degrees to the right for a few yards I would have hit a concrete column.
There are invisible hands on top of mine guiding me, forcing me, holding me back.
Why?
I look back at 2017 and I get the sense that there were many years compressed into one. I realized it is because I was trying to be more mindful and quiet and I was not on autopilot. I didn’t try to distract myself from what I was thinking and feeling as often. I acknowledged my emotions better than I ever have. I even accepted the uncomfortable, painful and embarrassing ones. So much life that I would have hidden from or ignored, I enjoyed. I apologized when I was wrong and forgave when I felt wronged.
2018 will be filled with more joy because of what I’ve learned in 2017. Learning to practice meditation has been key in pursuit of peace. I define who my family is, loving someone doesn’t mean I can’t let go, love isn’t a reason to allow my heart to be hurt or used. I can love deeper and stronger if I take care of myself first and it isn’t being selfish.
I will continue to work on my mental health and feel less ashamed of my illness. I am going to continue to develop positive, healthy relationships. Keep investing love, time and energy into my wife and our family. And work harder than ever to put it within my power to protect my family from financial worry.
