¿De dónde viene la voz que me asalta; quien creo esa imagen horrible en mi espejo?
Niña entrañada con los sueños de otros. No son mi ideas no tengo darles poder.
Yo controlo lo que significa “yo”en luz y oscuridad.
Cuando esta verdad se me olvida, el universo me recuerda.
My heart splintered.
I found you; Or did you find me?
Supportive, empathetic connection; safe space; thoughts, feelings, all embraced.
How did it happen?
The moment of great pain was also the occasion of my salvation.
A bull, I stamp and snort
Her shape, those curves
Horns thrust hotly upward
My heart is fully engorged
Cara en el espejo,
Abre su corazón, permíteme entrarte.Te quiero llenar con mi amor y sentir el amor suyo.
Invítame descansar junto dé ti, dame permiso tocar su alma. Dígame todo sus sentimientos y confíe en mí siempre.
I was outside my house, the one on Hollyhock, in the front yard underneath a tree. I was working on my bike. I wasn’t allowed back inside. I felt the sunshine on my face coming through the tree in a semi rhythmic way as the wind gently blew the leaves, I was shaded then unshaded. I felt the warm breeze dry the tears from my cheeks. There was no specific reason for the tears I couldn’t tell if they were happy or sad. There was only a vague sense of unease filling me. Unable to remember the cause, fear stirring inside me. I knew I had to go and there wasn’t much time. I had to leave before who? what?
I tried to ride off, but the chain kept slipping and skipping. Wishing I had my own tools I was forced to go back. Sitting in the dirt I tried to tighten the chain without success. I cut the palm of my hand removing a link from the chain. The blood was mixing with the dirt and grease on the bicycle chain. I got distracted watching it drip from my hand onto an ant that had gotten in the way. I had nothing to clean the wound with, so I wiped my hand on my pant leg. The cut was deep, it burned and throbbed but I wasn’t allowed back inside.
I rode off again but in the way that usually happens in dreams, it became a big truck. The sun’s glare was in my eyes and I was having a hard time seeing. It was so bright it was burning my eyes and making my head ache. I felt responsible to keep going even though I felt out of control. I didn’t know where I was going, I just knew to drive and go fast. I was angry I felt betrayed, but I couldn’t articulate the reasons for it in my head. I had hot angry tears that wouldn’t quite fall from my eyes. The a/c was blowing hot dusty stale air in my face further irritating me. I just knew I was not going to be allowed back inside.
I wake up clenching my jaw and my hands in fists in the morning.
I’m not turning away I’m trying to understand.
Allowing the muscles to spasm, pulling my shoulders back, head forward. I don’t fight my grief, I scream from deep inside my belly at what is lost, what is gone.
After my breath has been exhausted my visitor departs. I lay on my bed head pounding, eyes burning with bitter tears. I let the pain flow through me and embrace me. I embrace it in return until it dissipates and I understand.
I try to trace back to the beginning the desire to destroy myself. The knowledge that I don’t deserve this good and satisfying life. Unintentionally I’m fooling the people who know and love me. I’m not who they think I am.
I wonder how long I can distract myself with the beginning before I commit to the end.