“No communication using words, gestures or body language.” Those words gave me a sense of nostalgia a feeling of a childhood home. Breath used only to sustain life not to give life to concepts created by heart and mind. Understanding early on that the hugs and kisses only existed in front others. Pushed away verbally and physically when it was, “…just us.”
Everything will hurt me because it will never be what I want to hear. I will react instead of thinking clearly and logically. I am worthless unable to control my sinful desires. Greedy because I don’t feel complete with what others would consider an abundance. I ask for the connection willingly. Having never tested my endurance at the intensity of unintentional cruelty that will be inflicted I take full responsibility for being unable to control my heart should it implode.
And then there was you. Giving freely what others hoarded, you asked me for nothing in return. Theoretically, I understand, but my heart is still confused even after all this time. Standing close to me I feel your heart feeding love into mine. There is understanding in your eyes and a smile upon your lips for me but for what reasons? While I long to ask, “Por que.” I cannot get past the fear that everything will hurt me because it will never be what I want to hear.