x → ∞

Hello adult me decades from today,

Have I have accomplished much or am I still nothing? Did life get easier?  If I decided to continue to live was it because I found peace or was I just too much of a coward to end it?

Will the demons ever go away? Did you silence the voices in my head? I don’t want to hear their horrible stories about the future. I don’t want to see their shadows in the mirror hovering behind me.

Can I be gay and live without guilt? I hate how it makes Angelina need to hurt me when being with me is too much for her. When having to lie to her family about us gets to be too painful. Will I just get used to it and understand that I have to take the good with the bad? I wonder though what it would be like to get in bed with someone who could love me without guilt. I want to be able to express my love without fear, to be honest, and without shame. Writing that made my heart ache I want it so much but I’m afraid God will never let it happen.

I want a nice car, a house, lots of clothes and a job I like.

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